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Poetry lost  
03:24pm 23/07/2009
the cass [master]
Since this is a livejournal, and my whole internet journal maintaining self was about self indulgence, attention, and crappy poetry, I decided to transcribe this freeform poem I wrote around the age of 15. I came across it in The Great Purge, or What Do I Do With All This Crap I've Collected.

Anyway, here's a slightly less crappy poem thing I wrote.

I'm just jealous cause they're young and in love

the worst part is knowing I'll forget on Tuesday
the worst part is realizing I'm out of line
the worst part is affirming my assumptions
without even words
without recognizing
the worst part is how I saved face
the worst part is admitting you're right
I'll be lucky to get a pauper
the worst part is planning indefinites
in a state of restlessness
the worst part is envy of something
I don't want
not now
the worst part is dropping everything
how it all falls out
the worst part is the memories
how they pop out of a poster
a street sign
a dress
how I can't retrieve them at will
the worst part is not letting go when I have nothing to hold
the worst part is my hypocrisy
for this, I am sorry
the worst part is how I ruined it
was so awkward
I ruined it
the worst part is that I won't tell
I can't tell
I won't feel this tomorrow
the worst part is loneliness
won't you come home?
I can feign company if you feign interest
the worst part is knowing
what no one else will hear
a wallflower
dancing when no one's watching
I am an observer
I am separate from you
I cross the line and feel the pang
I retreat inside
remind myself I am alive
alive but not living
have changed for the worst
don't want to leave
don't want to stop
I hold on to the glimmer
I am wrong

While I'm at it, I kind of want to post some of the other teenage poetry. Some of it's not awful. Plus, if I have them here, I can maybe throw out the paper versions.... Maybe...

Cut to the chase

Pause for a moment
We freeze as life goes on around us
Our eyes averted
Their eyes on us
Close on girl
Striking but hides it all behind a Kodak countenance
Her gaze pierces
Run away
Pan to boy
Sweet unassuming smile
Perfect hands to catch should she fall
Should he tell the truth
Rewind to the encounter
Slow motion through every word
every last request
everything she never meant
Playback the words she said
the first hello
the last
She sits on the curb, shoving him away
Skip to the end
to the hollywood ending
Skip to happily ever after
Skip to the part where it all works out
And give them eternal rest
Fast forward through confrontation
past fear
Get to the part where she's on sure ground and he's changed for the better
Throw in the character to give her advice
so she won't use the same five words
over and over
Give me the sunshine and say it's all true
the Girl comes out shiny and new
the Boy makes up for the pain
I could, but
I've got 6 scenes to go
Single shots stand out
The soundtrack burns my ears
Many months of labor for two hours of significance
Frame by frame reviewing it all
the foreground out of focus
a panoramic view
dramatic pauses
quick decisions
a sudden twist

That's not terrible, is it? I mean, it's not good, but it's not awful. Also, I seem to have a thing for tall skinny poems. I think I like the way they look. On paper or in print. Maybe it just looks better by comparison of what's around it. I cannot rhyme. I mean, I can. But the verses are so awkward. It's kind of cute, almost.
mood: nostalgicnostalgic
music: I Can't Stand Another Minute Here -Vroom
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something i have just remembered  
03:49am 04/05/2009
the cass [master]
At a graduation party for an ex babysitter and carpooler, i met Andrea Miles, their cousin, for the first time. Later Andrea and I went to high school together. And I think middle. Anyway, I remember swinging in their backyard and getting stung by a bee. Thereafter, I iced my sting on a can of sprite.

It's so random when these things come to you.
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i don't even know why.  
11:23pm 17/02/2009
the cass [master]
I guess I wanted a little self-indulgence? I dunno...thanks Kat! You have done a great many things for a survey so aimed at Amerrrcans.

(X) Gone on a blind date
with my current boyfriend, no less. nearly 3 years ago!
(X) Skipped school
alll the tiiime. now. still counts, right?
( ) Watched someone die
(X) Been to Canada
() Been to Mexico
Kind of sad...
(X) Been to Florida
( ) Been to Hawaii
Sometime soon, I think!
(X) Been on a plane
( ) Been on a helicopter
(X) Been lost
(X) Gone to Washington, DC
only all the time
(X) Swam in the ocean
(x) Swam with Stingrays (for real on accident)
(X) Cried yourself to sleep
(X) Played cops and robbers
(X) Recently colored with crayons
not recently enough!
(X) Sang Karaoke
oh good times. want to do it again, especially now im legal in the states
(X) Paid for a meal with coins only
(X) Been to the top of the St. Louis Arch
i dont remember the top, but i remember the elevator
(x) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't
only all the time
(X) Made prank phone calls
with friends from my swim team. how random.
() Been down Bourbon Street in New Orleans
way up on my to do list
(X) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
(X) Caught a snowflake on your tongue
just a week or two ago!
( ) Danced in the rain-naked
also up on my to do list, never gonna happen in west philly
(X) Written a letter to Santa Claus
(X) Been kissed under the mistletoe
mistletoe headband, but still mistletoe!
(X) Watched the sunrise with someone
(X) Blown bubbles
(x) Gone ice-skating
this weekend, too!
(X) Gone to the movies
( ) Been deep sea fishing
( ) Driven across the United States
( ) Been in a hot air balloon
( ) Been sky diving
() Gone snowmobiling
(X) Lived in more than one country
(X) Lay down outside at night and admired the stars while listening to the crickets
(X) Seen a falling star and made a wish
( ) Enjoyed the beauty of Old Faithful Geyser
( ) Seen the Grand Canyon
I do not go west, evidently...
(X) Seen the Statue of Liberty
( ) Gone to the top of Seattle Space Needle
(X) Been on a cruise
(x) Traveled by train
() Traveled by motorcycle
(x ) Been horse back riding
( ) Ridden on a San Francisco cable car
(x) Been to Disneyland OR Disney World
(x ) Been in a rain forest
NZ and Oz
() Seen whales in the ocean
i feel like i ought to have by now
() Been to Niagara Falls
() Ridden on an elephant
SO want to! but ive ridden a camel, twice! at zoos, but still!
( ) Swam with dolphins
every 8 year old's deam!
( ) Been to the Olympics
( ) Walked on the Great Wall of China
(x) Saw and heard a glacier calf
i feel like we heard one on my hike
( ) Been spinnaker flying
(X) Been water-skiing -
really crap at it!
(X) Been snow-skiing
(X) Been to Westminster Abbey
( ) Been to the Louvre
No, but the Musee D'Orsay!
(X) Swam in the Mediterranean
(X) Been to a Major League Baseball game 
wanna go again!
(X) Been to a National Football League game
sooo coooold
( ) Swam with sharks
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(no subject)  
04:05am 21/12/2008
the cass [master]
I don't know why I'm awake now. I am afraid to go to bed. I need to go to bed. I can't go to bed alone.

Somebody help me?
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(no subject)  
10:27pm 07/05/2008
the cass [master]
Today I learned how to put my hair up with a pen/pencil. Like, only held by one. Though since my hair is so fine, I put in a second for extra stability.

Yay! Another thing to add to the list of things I do when I should be studying...
mood: tiredtired
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(no subject)  
11:38am 28/03/2008
the cass [master]
I have a bad feeling about things. It's not right. We're not right.

The worst part is I knew something, really truly knew something, but it doesn't seem to matter. Know, actually. Well, I thought I did...
mood: resigned
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what happens when it's late in kiwi land  
01:20am 12/10/2007
the cass [master]
The second chapter of my research project:

Chapter 2

Work Done

2.1 Treadmill

I made a treadmill.

2.2 Camera

I wrote some camera movement stuff. It interprets mouse movement.

2.3 Dome

Some people in fashion made a dome as specified by Geoff. It’s like a tent, but a hemisphere.

2.4 Spherical Mirror Projection

Using a sorta variation on this dude’s thingy (algo-rhythm), I distort the picture so it looks good. Reeeeal good.

It's late. My eyes hurt. I should go home. But, unfortunately, that chapter will not get me an A. *sigh* I just want it finished. C'mon, chapter 2!
mood: sleepysleepy
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lessons in procrastination  
05:35pm 24/09/2007
the cass [master]
This is what not writing code to render a window to a pbuffer to then save as a texture object to then map to another polygon looks like.

Revelation: If I never write code for the rest of my life after graduation, I will be happy.

Revelation 2: University is not meant to be practical. It's meant to be academic. And when it is practical, like in my case, it seems impractical not to use it directly.

Revelation 3: The humanities may be low paying, but they're a lot more fun for the brain.

Revelation 4: Service. Yeah. Service.

Revelation 5: If I dont leave in the next 5 minutes, I will be late for my rehearsal wherein we will be devising some theatre. I like theatre.

Passion is better than security, I think. But security...assets...they're better for raising a family.

Or are they?
mood: lethargiclethargic
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oh oh oh...  
03:29pm 09/09/2007
the cass [master]
Is it bad that I'm happy other people (home people) now have schoolwork? It's like they've finally gotten on the same page. Of course...that doesnt get rid of my research project, nor even the fairly simple hassidism essay, nor anything in between. sigh...

miss you guys...
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oh what a celebration we'll have today  
01:08pm 01/08/2007
the cass [master]
Today is one month in New Zealand. Only 4 more months abroad, friends. And only about 3 in Dunedin. It's sad, when I put it like that.

Still, it's fun being here. Proving my adaptability. The other day, Jessie, the girl from Denver, she said her friend told her he went to a movie by himself and she couldn't believe it. She said it was something she has never done and could never see herself doing. She always makes plans with people. Never eaten alone (except possibly breakfast).

First, I was amused. I'm outgoing, my friends will tell you that, but I never(okay rarely) make plans with people. Part of it is that I'm highly unwilling to compromise. I don't want to spend time not in a way to my design. Sometimes that design is vague. But usually that has a particular crowd attached, at the least. I often go to see some production at Penn with some friend in it all by me onesie, just because the small handful I ask along is either busy or disinterested.

And I like hanging out with people, just not masses of ones I don't know. I tend to like to devote myself to only a couple in one outing. You get to know people better. But, I'm really self absorbed, so mostly I like to put things out there. Sorry, guys. I'm working on it. And I genuinely love to hear about your lives, so please keep saying it. I love emails, nudge nudge wink wink.

Anyway, I like that I've just properly shown to myself I do fine on my own. I eat most meals alone at school and find I tend to have meal company here more. I really like doing things alone. Well, I like knowing I'm fine alone. It's an important life-skill.

On an unrelated note, tomorrow is 8 months. That's pretty exciting. With or without his physical presence, it feels like a big deal and appropriate and worthy of celebration. If you're reading this, sunshine, love you.
mood: contentcontent
music: don't do sadness -spring awakening
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